Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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