Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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