Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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