dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
