Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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