Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
