Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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