get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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