Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
