Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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