I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
3 2 1 whiskey
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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