I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
