Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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