I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
