I didn't shave. On purpose
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
