On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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