Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
