I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Randomize
