Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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