Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
