you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
