I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
