Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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