Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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