I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
