Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
