sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
