does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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