everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He did a backflip because drugs
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