We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
