On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
