I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
