I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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