I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
as a side note pls kill me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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