my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
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