I wish my penis had an off switch
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
