My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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