a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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