Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
