Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Pants are for mortals
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
