a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
