Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Randomize
