There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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