there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
