bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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