Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
