the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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