The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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