Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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