Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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