all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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